He walked out the door completely unaware of the tears I was about to shed as soon as the back door closed. He would go outside and work in the yard oblivious to the storm brewing in my heart.
I wish I could say later that night while laying in bed I decided to reveal my heart to him and he understood and we changed and we were better because of it.
I wish I could have said a lot of things that night.
There’s no great drama here. We are what you might consider an average couple. We have our normal shares of conflict and struggles. We have highs and lows in our marriage. No one is abusive. We are faithful to each other. We work hard to provide for our family together. We have some baggage from our past and families that we both brought into the marriage. Pretty “typical” stuff.
So why did I find myself getting stuck in the same rut over and over with my husband?
I felt like we kept running into the same problems. Sure, maybe there were new arguments developing between us like dirty diapers and disciplining the toddler; whereas, five years ago we’d fight about our conflicting hobbies and guys night out.
I felt stuck.
I felt alone.
I felt like a bad wife.
I had run out of grace for myself. For him.
Frustration was driving me insane.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.”
Maybe this time will be different. Maybe I’ll be fixed. Maybe he’ll be fixed.
I started to feel like there would never be an answer; that this was just something I’d have to live with.
I even felt like I had so many moments of pure honesty with the Lord when I would genuinely fall on my knees before him, asking him to show me how to get out of this cycle. And I think he did give me some guidance along the way.
But the reality is I lost focus.
I stopped focusing on my relationship with Christ. I stopped cultivating prayerful intimacy with him.
When I’m intimate with Jesus–totally raw and free with my messy self at his feet–then I see my husband with grace eyes and God’s supernatural peace washes over me.
As his peace increases, the frustrations and anxiety decrease.
I start to feel like I’m moving forward instead of in circles.
We’re human and we’re constantly evolving and changing, which means that we really are changing more than we realize and that means new conflicts will continue to arise in our marriages.
And while you may grow in one area in your marriage you must be on the lookout for new growth opportunities. When those new areas arise and we walk among them aimlessly, then we try to remove the speck in our spouse’s eye while our own eye is being gouged.
So how does all this connect with the mini series “When Love Languages Collide: 5 Practices to Help You Get Unstuck in Your Marriage”?
It means that I wrote this series during a time when I was on my face before the Lord, bearing my raw heart before him, seeking a clarity I never had before.
And he slowly unraveled the five practices.
He slowly showed me an element to my frustration was my focus on how my husband wasn’t loving me the way I wanted to be loved because of what I had learned from The Five Love Languages.
He totally changed me.
And then he reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
He pointed me to the comments made by many of you that said things like “I know exactly what you mean, Gloryanna” or “You’ve said what I’ve been trying to figure out how to say and I’ve been married for years.”
So over the course of many early mornings and late nights, God wrote through me this mini series.
And let me be clear: it’s not a series that’s going to “fix” you. It’s as series that will meet you right where you’re at and when you start changing again as a wife and find yourself feeling stuck, you can pick up the mini series again and start moving forward.
You can keep coming back to it as you evolve in your relationship with your husband because no matter what we do, where we go, who we become, God is always there, waiting for us with open arms.
You can stop letting your husband walk out the door unaware. You can stop going to bed at night full of frustration and fear.
By God, you can get unstuck.