Rites of Passage for the First Time Parent

It hit me. When parents say they feel like they’re losing their mind, they’re serious. I felt like I finally understood what they meant as I became a first time parent. One morning, I realized that I sort of started looking forward to seeing if my baby had any boogers in his nose when he woke up in the mornings. Enter husband’s unsolicited comment. My husband said I was losing it. Then, the list of “losing it” began to get longer. THE list. The list of Rites of Passage that told me I have now gone to the dark side. Or light side. Whatever. Wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

It started when I went to make macaroni for lunch for the upteenth time.

Opening the microwave and finding the coffee pot. Insert hallelujah chorus here. Your life source has been found.

Macaroni has been your lunch for five days in a row.  OK, it’s your lunch everyday. And you like it.

Spraying water all over the wall when cleaning a cloth diaper because you were too busy keeping the baby from falling over and crashing his head on the toilet and you forgot to release the hose handle. Yah, I’m gonna let the dog lick that up.

Leaving the poopy diaper on the changing table. Yep, dog’s gonna lick that too.

Dancing and singing while vacuuming to keep your child from crying. Now the dog is attacking the vacuum. Now baby is crying louder. Might as well get the dinning room done since everyone is out of their mind about the stupid vacuum.

Just when you think you’re super parent by getting ready to run to the store with a shirt on that is spotless, you get spit up on. Silly first-time parent. Dog can lick that up too.

I wonder what they’d do if I used the blender. Hmmm. Maybe I should record their reactions. Crying and barking to some sort of music mix. You never know. Could win my money from America’s Funniest Home Videos. Yes, I still watch that show. No, I don’t know if they actually still accept videos.


Taking a shower twice a week. OK, showering twice a week but only getting your hair washed once because the baby cries every time you try. OK, you really shower only once a week. You swear that baby knows as soon as you turn on the faucet.

Having “parent time” after said baby falls asleep for the night. Who are you guys kidding? It’s 8:00PM and you have an opportunity to sleep. The sex gods will just have to wait. You did just take your weekly shower though…if…you…could…just…stay…awake…a…little…longer….

I’ve decided that people who have more than one child are like secret superheroes, only all the other fellow parents of multiples understand this. This is kept a secret from their children so they don’t go on thinking they need more siblings. I mean, what 5 year old wouldn’t want another brother to see if his dad can grow razor claws out his hands like Wolverine? After all, lots of kids think their dad is some kind of awesome, right? Please tell me I’m right so if we do have another one there is some kind of cool pay off of acting like a superhero.

You’re the last to eat at any meal or the first to eat before everyone gets around. Actually, you’re never the first. That requires waking “early” and let’s face it, you need as much sleep as you can get at this point.

Your most intelligent conversation of the day is about how your two year old son thinks his penis is the best kind of water gun around. Free to use any time. Wait. This is supposed to be potty training?

They should have parents go through potty training. I mean who remembers what it was like to learn to pee in the toilet for the first time?

You think giving a single baby a bath is a challenge? Just wait. You’d be surprised how many kids you can fit into one bath.

Crying when you get in the shower is just the beginning. Soon they’ll all want to see you while you go the bathroom. Just tell them you’re pooping every time. Could work…

Parents are always saying to enjoy the beginning because before you know it, they’ll be graduated and moving out. Or maybe just graduated. You hope. Moving out would be a bonus. Keep your eyes in front of you or you’ll miss it. Take it from Crush. He was a pretty good dad.


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