Sometimes I think the busier I am the happier I am. Until I start running on empty. I run on empty because I can’t keep up with all the busy.
But then I tell myself that the busy is good. I’m pretty good at convincing myself that all the busy is meaningful because I’m helping someone else out or being a blessing when someone needs it. Or it makes me just plain happy. Those seem to be pretty good reasons to keep all the busy going. I help others. I help myself. Win win.
And then the early morning comes and my feet haven’t even hit the ground. Dread wiggles his way into my heart. I dread the commitments I made. Wishing that I hadn’t said yes. What’s that verse say…something about let your yes be yes and your no be no….Anyways, my peace is about gone before I’ve even had a cup of coffee to try and muster it back.
The problem I struggle with is that I find myself doing things that some might say I’m good at and there is this immediate feeling that I should be doing it.
When we find something we’re passionate about and turn it into our own freak show.
I love writing and am blessed that it is an outlet for me and a process that encourages my growth in Christ.
Back in the early fall, I convinced myself to start free-lancing. I had myself convinced it was something God wanted me to do. Two months later I was hating it and had zero peace about it. I didn’t even know why I was doing it to myself.
Then I decided to monetize my “mom tips” blog. That was quite a rush. My site was growing nicely and I was starting to get sponsored post opportunities. I felt like I was helping other moms. I really do think I was helping other moms.
The problem was I that at the end of the day, I was so empty that what peace I had about monetizing my blog was a faint feeling, hiding itself from my heart.
And then God jolts us awake.
Then God jolted me awake with a private emergency. I had to trust Him completely and turn my eyes towards Him, leaving behind my daily commitments. I needed to give my surroundings my undivided attention.
And in that process, God lifted a film from eyes. A film of fear that I had disguised as freedom.
A false sense of freedom.
I couldn’t help but get his feeling that I needed to let go of a few of my commitments in order to cultivate my trust with Him. The feeling was so strong that I was questioning a lot of life choices Mike and I had recently made. And this is when I knew that God had a different plan that what I had planned (shocking, I know).
One of those choices was my writing. I had taken something that God gently handed over to me. I grabbed it with both hands and stuffed my face. Then I came back for more and more, totally overdone with my own ability, tossing God’s intricate plan to the wayside.
And just because I was good at something, didn’t mean I needed to be doing it.
I can think of other instances in my life when I needed to let something go in order to move and trust God. Uh, hello stay-at-home-mom and bye bye teaching eighth grade and shopping at Gap. Bye bye coaching cross country. Bye bye youth leader.
Bye bye all these opportunities that I wrapped my identity around. Hello identity crisis.
And even though I knew I was being obedient to God (most of the time!) I still fought these transitions more than I’d like to admit.
And even though I know that God doesn’t believe in wasted time and I did those things for a time and reason in a needed season, I still struggle to surrender myself and end up fighting Him.
Those small moments that brighten the path, pointing us in the right direction.
Every day my son fights me. He fights me when it comes time to wipe his face and hands after we eat a meal. And every time I approach him with patience, calmness, and firmness, because no matter how upset he gets, I am going to be there to wash him clean.
And the Lord tugged on my heart, reminding me that this is how I am with Him when I am wrestling with my heart. I fight, I kick, I throw my hands up and yell. I turn my face away from Him. But He’s right there, patiently and calmly waiting. He’s not going to leave me unclean.
I just have to open my tightly shut eyes to see that He’s there.
But when I do, the weight that gets lifted is tremendous. And I always wonder why I waited so long to surrender myself to him.
I make the decision to follow Him, yet again coming off the path that I tried to make for myself. It’s a decision I have to remind myself of daily.
I have to remind myself that just because I’m good at something, doesn’t mean I have to do it.
I know I’m not alone in this. When did something like this happen to you?
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