A First Time Mom’s Guide to Surviving Baby Battles (or just eat the damn puffs!)

I’m a first time mom (FTM) and just like any parent, veteran or not, we have the good days and the bad. The days you feel like you are the elite parent whose child slept for nine hours last night, and then the next day you’re knocked off your high horse when your child starts clinging to you and screaming for no apparent reason. No, wait. There might be a Wonder Week for that. If you haven’t heard about Wonder Weeks yet, they are the answer for every “What the heck is wrong with my baby?” Google it. You’ll feel a little more sane on those days. You’re welcome.

Whether it’s a Wonder Week or maybe just a typical day in the life of trying to figure out what the heck you’re doing, every FTM needs to have some defense moves on the days their baby declares an all-out war.

First Time Mom's Guide to Surviving Baby Battles. Humorous tips to survive babyhood.

Battle Ground: Eating Foods

Baby’s main defense: Karate chopping. Mom approaches mouth with food on spoon, just like any other day. Baby ain’t having it. Mom tries to force past the karate chop. Baby begins arching back and screams. In a momentary lapse, Mom loosens grip on spoon. Baby senses weakness and knocks spoon out of mom’s hand. Better yet, Baby laughs at flying food and wants to blow mommy some smeared broccoli kisses.

FTM’s defense: Trying not to freak out because your child isn’t eating his vegetables like you dreamed, you decide to check your trendy baby-led weaning book. Screaming baby ensues because he wants some food. You drop the book and head to the fridge. Cheese. Best FTM defensive food out there. Go ahead and enjoy some too. Maybe a little glass of wine too? It’s almost lunch time, right?

Battle Ground: Diaper Changing

Baby’s main defense: Back arching and becoming stiff as a board. Putting a diaper on a baby who has stiffened their body and squeezed their legs shut in protest is like trying to move a 700lb rock on your own. It ain’t happening.

FTM’s defense: Kisses and giggles to distract baby. Reminder to FTM – this trick works for .0000007 of a second. Giggles become rip mommy’s face off since she is so close to my hands and I’m ticked about this diaper change. FTM looks around for anything that will distract baby from stiffening his legs. Your phone dings a new message and with it, a battle-saving reminder. Just give it to him. You know you will let your baby play with your phone eventually anyways.

Battle Ground: Grocery Shopping

Baby’s main defense: This one is tried and true. Screaming as loud as he can.

FTM’s defense: Letting baby play with anything crackly off the shelf. This gives you about two toMAYBE three minutes to get to the next aisle to grab some baby puffs.  The puffs you swore you’d never try. The ones you were committed to try and make homemade. And yes, you should just open it in the store and let that baby stuff his face.

Battle Ground: Errands in the Car

Baby’s defense: This can vary. However, screaming tends to be the most effective. Mom’s main goal? Keeping your hands on the steering wheel as much as possible and try not to let your head explode with all the screaming.

FTM’s defense: There are a few tactics mom can try here. Roll down baby’s window to get a 20 second reprieve. Turn up music and sing with baby for a 20 maybe 30 second reprieve. Take said puffs just throw the jar to the baby, and don’t think about what the back seat will look like by the time you arrive home after the 15 minute car ride across town. This may be the most successful tactic in making it home without swerving off the road.

Battle Ground: Nap Time

Baby’s main defense: Cuddles. The more cuddles he tries to give you, the more likely you are to fall for the rock-me-to-sleep baby tactic.

FTM’s main defense: Don’t rock baby to sleep. You want the baby to put himself to sleep. Right – that thought lasts for about two seconds.

FTM’s new defense: Rock the baby to sleep in as big of a recliner you can find in your house so you can try and sleep too. Oh yah, and keep those damn puffs near by.

This post originally appeared on thehomelovingwife.com

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